ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
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I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz