If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
You Might Also Like
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times