Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married