Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
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Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
This probably isn’t good
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack