Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
You Might Also Like
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’