I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!