A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
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Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
This kid will have a bright future.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I already tried new things thanks.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.