justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
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According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*