Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
screw you
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.