Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
How I’d get arrested…
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
he was correct
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!