If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
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Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.