Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I feel it
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???