One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Dietest Coke
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
So the ex texted me
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore