Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying