Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
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My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad