What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
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Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.