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Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign