CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away