When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
You Might Also Like
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’m going to need a moment here.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
The devil.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.