Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
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Practicing safe sax
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…