Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner