Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket