I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I am having an out of money experience.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye