Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon