My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
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crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Human are so complicated
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”