H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
When libraries troll their patrons.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Thanks to a fan for this one!