I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.