IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
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[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.