When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.