Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.