It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
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[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My brain is a bad influence on me
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.