They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.