My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Not messing around
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup