Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
They’re on their honeymoon
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
welp