Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.