Thrilling chase underway
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Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
when nothing goes right… go left
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
me when I see my crush
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
groan^2
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.