Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
You Might Also Like
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
After how many years should you clean your microwave?