Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
me
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it