New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
That’s not how days work.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space