Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.