What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
reviewed some movies recently
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Where’s my employee discount too?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time