I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
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You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
From Facebook just now…
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.