[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
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My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
wtf is an acronym
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.