Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.