People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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Truth. 😆😭😮💨
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*