Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
The best plant holders?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
WWE is French for “yes”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
nature’s most graceful animal
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…