That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
How to draw a duck
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up