an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅