Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
You Might Also Like
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified