You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”